03 January 2010

rollercoaster part ii!

I'm feeling that roller coaster feeling all over! {job, relationships, life, church, art, writing, food}

Trying so hard to press in instead of back away. I think backing away has been survival mode for me for so long that I don't really know what non-survival mode is supposed to feel like.

Operating out of a healthy place can be harder than it should be sometimes. Especially when you fear risk more than anything. {like me!}

Erwin McManus says this:
WE like to pretend it's hard to follow our heart's dreams. The truth is it is difficult to avoid walking through the many doors that will open. Turn aside your dream and it will come back to you again. Get willing to follow it again and a second mysterious door will swing open.

I like to pretend that I'm scared of failure. Really, though, I'm not. I've failed. I've failed big and kept on going. I'm really scared of moving out of a safe place. I'm really scared of not knowing.

Julia Cameron says that: Safety is a very expensive illusion. How true is this? When I'm seemingly 'safe' {or in 'survival mode}, how safe am I, really? When I'm comfortable because I know, what do I know, really?
The success of creative recovery hinges on our ability to move out of the head and into action. This brings us squarely to risk. Most of us are practiced at talking ourselves out of risk. We are skilled speculators on the probably pain of self-exposure.
We deny that in order to do something well we must first be willing to do it badly. Instead, we opt for setting our limits at the point where we feel assured of success. Living within these bounds, we may feel stifled, smothered, despairing, bored. But, yes, we do feel safe. And safety is a very expensive illusion. {julia cameron, the artist's way}

I just stopped and asked myself why I'm writing this blog entry. I think I needed to talk myself down off of my uber-controlled, what-the-heck-am-i-doing ledge. Needed to remind myself that I'm doing good and right things, and those good and right things are also brave things - doing brave things sometimes means butterflies in your stomach. And that's not something I need to run from.

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begint to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark. {Agnes De Mille}

1 comment:

  1. I love you K'Holley.

    I needed to read this just as much as you needed to write it...
    I have been struggling with the desire to compose and try to get it published, thinking "I'm no composer. I'm no Greg Gilpin or Roger Emerson or even Michelle Roueche". Also, I've been struggling with the thought that "I can't apply to a DMA program...I'll never get in".
    Well...after reading this, I'm now thinking:
    "Who am I NOT to get into a DMA program somewhere?" and "why COULDN'T I be a published composer?"

    You are helping more people than you think with your writings my dear friend...keep it up :)

    Love you!