22 January 2010

life journaling

So I have this habit. And I'm not going to say whether it's good or bad, but just that it exists and I'm trying to break it. Because there is better for me, at least in this season.

My habit revolves around journal angst. Do you guys ever have journal angst? I have journal angst that involves several layers of grief.

Layer 1 [one] is a layer of 'the-book-has-to-be-just-right' syndrome. I only enjoy journaling on graph paper, in hard-backed journals, with certain pens, in certain light ... it goes on. And on. And on.

Layer 2 [dos] is a layer of 'the-book-has-to-be-just-right' PLUS 'i-have-to-have-specific-books-for-specific-things'. Last year, that meant each of the following:

a.] a journal for PWI teaching notes
b.] a journal to carry with me everywhere, and record odds and ends
c.] a planner, with more odds and ends
d.] morning pages, to dump journal angst [and all art angst] in the mornings
e.] a song-writing journal, for all of my incomplete songwriting ideas
f.] a visual journal, for all of that art journaling i needed to do
g.] a sketch book journal
h.] a brown-paper journal, for white chalk, black ink and the occasional splash of red
i.] artist's way journal, for artist's way notes

Uh, that's crazy. I'm aware.

Layer three [trois] of the crazy was all of the above PLUS PLUS a layer of 'i-have-to-be-in-the-right-space-[mental and physical]-for-this-to-work.'

Meaning that yes, every time I had something songwriting to write down, I had to wait until I was with my songwriting journal, in a songwriting headspace, ready to think songwriting thoughts. Which, of course, meant that when I got to that place, which was never perfect enough, I had lost the thought I originally was going to write down in the first place. Same with EVERY SINGLE JOURNAL I OWNED in 2009. Crazy - again, I'm aware.

So here we are, in 2010, and something has to change. Here's the plan - one life, one journal for said life. Everything caught in one book: inspiration, snippets of poetry, lists, budgets, notes, sketches, prayers, confessions, stories, calendars ... all in one book.

My life isn't perfect. It isn't neatly packaged, by any stretch of the imagination. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will be 'in transition' for the rest of my life. This is the life I want, though, and I need to stop wishing it was anything less. And in an attempt to mark and record an unperfect life, I need an unperfect journal ['imperfect', i know, but i like unperfect better. even though it's not a word].

Marking my unperfect life with an unperfect journal. Sounds perfect, huh?

1 comment:

  1. as you know from our many discussions, I get this.

    I APPLAUD you!! {loudly}

    Yay, you! I hope that you find continued joy & peace in having everything all in one place.