12 March 2010

confessions + gifts

my friend betsy says i have the spiritual gift of dream catching.

dream catcher

i don't know if i know about that, but i'm accessorized well if it's true.
i've been thinking a lot about gifts + dreams + life lately. i'm doing a lot of growing and changing, and that leads to lots of new thoughts.
in alice in wonderland, the Mad Hatter comments on Alice's loss of 'muchness'.

i feel like i've lost my muchness.

like i'm afraid to go after what i really want. like i might make someone mad if i do, or i might step on someone's toes, or someone might think i'm dumb if i open my mouth.

then last night: meltdown. full on angsty-angst meltdown. i'm getting really close to figuring out my dreams, and taking all kinds of leaps towards reaching them. but for every step forward, there are two steps back. that's part of growth, right? [yes]

after we wrapped filming a little project for the church, and i was melting down on the inside, my friend made me stand in the room we were using for filming and punch his hands. i don't know how to throw a punch, but he made me punch his hands anyway. i was surprised at what i found myself saying while we stood there.
i'm scared, i don't trust, i don't want, i do want, i can't, what if?
so much growth, so fast, means i might have forgotten who i am a little.

snow shoes

i've forgotten my muchness.
i'd like to sleep now, and work on remembering it when i wake up.

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