transforming!

ps! before i go to sleep, a quickie pic of the new hair. i have more thoughts to share about the experience tomorrow :]

before! [fondly referred to as mufasa mane]

and after! still getting used to it, but looooving it so far!

pps - this is my usual pose while i'm sitting at the computer, when i'm not typing. just realized that as i sat and thought about this, and sat just like that.

risk + reward

Some musings tonight from my Evening Pages [supposed to be Morning Pages, but I'm trying something new, to see if it works better for me. Three pages of brain dumping at the end of the day. I'm sleeping way better and creating more, if that's any sign]


Just thoughts, I'll come back with more complete ones later ...


+ I think I could be pushed to the edge of myself every day if I could be refreshed as deeply as I was tonight, after the end of a very edge-pushing day.


+ How is it that the riskiest/most roller-coaster-y feeling things are both life-giving and life-taking? It takes MORE of me to do those things, but I get so much more back in return. How does that work?


+ Why is it so hard for me to try new things? I don't understand this about myself. I'm praying for courage in my life right now.


+ I love people, so so much.


+ What does it mean to cultivate creative land? How am I doing this for myself? How am I helping others do the same?


+ How long does it take old dreams to die?


+ What in my life am I missing out on right now by not being willing to risk?


I'm open to advice on any of the above questions :] Just a little peek into my headspace right now! Yikes!

In other news, I started making a new scrapbook/journal [scrounal?] tonight. So excited for that. Life book is growing beautifully. Evening pages are helping me sort so many thoughts. My piano is in the master bath right now since the house is getting a little reno work done, and the acoustics are amazing, and I'm not apologizing for playing the piano in the bathroom.


Look out for a new vlog coming Wednesday! I have something super exciting to share!

on getting a hair cut

A blog about getting a hair cut.

Not conventional, not important, not big or deep or transforming, in most worlds.

But in my world ... it's big. It's important and big and deep and transforming.

It means that it's 2010 - its a year for doing things. Not thinking about things [well, still thinking about things] but DOING things. That's my list of 24 before 25. Things to do. Do decide and define who I am.

That's this hair cut tomorrow. More about deciding where I want to go and getting there than just getting a hair cut.

I'm not doing a good job of explaining this, but I needed you to know. I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow, and it's more than a hair cut. The next time I'm here, I'll be different, and not just because I'll be blonde again.

life journaling

So I have this habit. And I'm not going to say whether it's good or bad, but just that it exists and I'm trying to break it. Because there is better for me, at least in this season.

My habit revolves around journal angst. Do you guys ever have journal angst? I have journal angst that involves several layers of grief.

Layer 1 [one] is a layer of 'the-book-has-to-be-just-right' syndrome. I only enjoy journaling on graph paper, in hard-backed journals, with certain pens, in certain light ... it goes on. And on. And on.

Layer 2 [dos] is a layer of 'the-book-has-to-be-just-right' PLUS 'i-have-to-have-specific-books-for-specific-things'. Last year, that meant each of the following:

a.] a journal for PWI teaching notes

b.] a journal to carry with me everywhere, and record odds and ends

c.] a planner, with more odds and ends

d.] morning pages, to dump journal angst [and all art angst] in the mornings

e.] a song-writing journal, for all of my incomplete songwriting ideas

f.] a visual journal, for all of that art journaling i needed to do

g.] a sketch book journal

h.] a brown-paper journal, for white chalk, black ink and the occasional splash of red

i.] artist's way journal, for artist's way notes

Uh, that's crazy. I'm aware.

Layer three [trois] of the crazy was all of the above PLUS PLUS a layer of 'i-have-to-be-in-the-right-space-[mental and physical]-for-this-to-work.'

Meaning that yes, every time I had something songwriting to write down, I had to wait until I was with my songwriting journal, in a songwriting headspace, ready to think songwriting thoughts. Which, of course, meant that when I got to that place, which was never perfect enough, I had lost the thought I originally was going to write down in the first place. Same with EVERY SINGLE JOURNAL I OWNED in 2009. Crazy - again, I'm aware.

So here we are, in 2010, and something has to change. Here's the plan - one life, one journal for said life. Everything caught in one book: inspiration, snippets of poetry, lists, budgets, notes, sketches, prayers, confessions, stories, calendars ... all in one book.

My life isn't perfect. It isn't neatly packaged, by any stretch of the imagination. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will be 'in transition' for the rest of my life. This is the life I want, though, and I need to stop wishing it was anything less. And in an attempt to mark and record an unperfect life, I need an unperfect journal ['imperfect', i know, but i like unperfect better. even though it's not a word].

Marking my unperfect life with an unperfect journal. Sounds perfect, huh?

what i'm excited about today

My brother and I have been working on a new short video for Water's Edge. I'm super excited about it, and can't wait to share it with you in a few weeks! I also made a short behind-the-scenes vlog to go with it, but I'll wait until the video goes public to post the vlog. So much fun!

Until then, though :] My dear blog friends get a sneak-peek at some screen-caps from the video! I think they're just lovely. Don't laugh at me when I tell you that the video is going along with the song Amazing by Kanye. It's going to rock so hard.









ps - you can see a version of the last stop-motion we did over here: http://vimeo.com/8433109

my first vlog! [a story about a grant package]

Today was a crazy huge day at my job - a ginormous project left my desk and went to the post office, and this is a video blog about my adventures! I think it's pretty fun :]

katie's vlog - 1.1 from quietworldcreative on Vimeo.

rollercoaster part ii!

I'm feeling that roller coaster feeling all over! {job, relationships, life, church, art, writing, food}

Trying so hard to press in instead of back away. I think backing away has been survival mode for me for so long that I don't really know what non-survival mode is supposed to feel like.

Operating out of a healthy place can be harder than it should be sometimes. Especially when you fear risk more than anything. {like me!}


Erwin McManus says this:

WE like to pretend it's hard to follow our heart's dreams. The truth is it is difficult to avoid walking through the many doors that will open. Turn aside your dream and it will come back to you again. Get willing to follow it again and a second mysterious door will swing open.

I like to pretend that I'm scared of failure. Really, though, I'm not. I've failed. I've failed big and kept on going. I'm really scared of moving out of a safe place. I'm really scared of not knowing.

Julia Cameron says that: Safety is a very expensive illusion. How true is this? When I'm seemingly 'safe' {or in 'survival mode}, how safe am I, really? When I'm comfortable because I know, what do I know, really?

The success of creative recovery hinges on our ability to move out of the head and into action. This brings us squarely to risk. Most of us are practiced at talking ourselves out of risk. We are skilled speculators on the probably pain of self-exposure.

We deny that in order to do something well we must first be willing to do it badly. Instead, we opt for setting our limits at the point where we feel assured of success. Living within these bounds, we may feel stifled, smothered, despairing, bored. But, yes, we do feel safe. And safety is a very expensive illusion. {julia cameron, the artist's way}

I just stopped and asked myself why I'm writing this blog entry. I think I needed to talk myself down off of my uber-controlled, what-the-heck-am-i-doing ledge. Needed to remind myself that I'm doing good and right things, and those good and right things are also brave things - doing brave things sometimes means butterflies in your stomach. And that's not something I need to run from.

...

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begint to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark. {Agnes De Mille}