creative life: the good, the bad, the salsa of it all.

I woke up at 5 Monday morning {which, by the way, is totally ungodly. I don't care who you are [hah, hi dad] but seriously. 5 am is just ... so wrong. I agree with my mommy: Vespers is the best time of day} But anyway, that's not the point here. I woke up at 5 Monday morning, and I began seriously and immediately craving salsa.

I don't know, I didn't question it, I just woke and knew: today, somehow, someway, I will have salsa.

It was like my soul needed salsa. And, magically, Betsy and I went to lunch at my new-slash-old favorite taqueria in Decatur [new because we've been there twice in the last week, and old, because the last time I was there was in highschool] and I ordered chips-and-salsa. And was presented with a beautiful plate of three varieties of salsa. I should have just eaten that for lunch. My soul was immediately happy.

I so wish that my creativity was like that plate of salsa: I craved, I said it out loud, and Bets took me to a place where I could get it. I wish I could:

*Get Inspired [crave]

*Fully imagine the whole experience [say it out loud]

*Have someone take me to the place I need to go to get what I need to complete it

But I find, more often now than ever, that my creativity is like a mountain, in that it's as much about the climbing as it is about being at the top. 

Sometimes it's as much about the craving as it is about satisfying the craving.

{both photos iPhone photos by (c)quiet+world+creative}

confessions + gifts

my friend betsy says i have the spiritual gift of dream catching.

i don't know if i know about that, but i'm accessorized well if it's true.

i've been thinking a lot about gifts + dreams + life lately. i'm doing a lot of growing and changing, and that leads to lots of new thoughts.

in alice in wonderland, the Mad Hatter comments on Alice's loss of 'muchness'.

i feel like i've lost my muchness.

like i'm afraid to go after what i really want. like i might make someone mad if i do, or i might step on someone's toes, or someone might think i'm dumb if i open my mouth.

then last night: meltdown. full on angsty-angst meltdown. i'm getting really close to figuring out my dreams, and taking all kinds of leaps towards reaching them. but for every step forward, there are two steps back. that's part of growth, right? [yes]

after we wrapped filming a little project for the church, and i was melting down on the inside, my friend made me stand in the room we were using for filming and punch his hands. i don't know how to throw a punch, but he made me punch his hands anyway. i was surprised at what i found myself saying while we stood there.

i'm scared, i don't trust, i don't want, i do want, i can't, what if?
so much growth, so fast, means i might have forgotten who i am a little.

i've forgotten my muchness.

i'd like to sleep now, and work on remembering it when i wake up.

thinking + feeling + moving

Sometimes I think I am paralyzed in taking actions because I am equal parts thinker and feeler. One never over-rides the other. If it feels good to make a move, does it match up logically? If it's logical to make a move, does it feel right?

I need to make peace with the fact that sometimes, the right thing feels right to my intuition, but doesn't match up in numbers and logic. And sometimes logic and numbers are right, even though they don't feel to happy.

I need to make peace with both sides of my personality. Split down the middle, 50/50 artist and admin, it just means that I need to figure out how that works, and make it work for me, not against me.

That was my waking-up thought today. I'll let you know when I find out how it plays out in real life :]

risk + reward

Some musings tonight from my Evening Pages [supposed to be Morning Pages, but I'm trying something new, to see if it works better for me. Three pages of brain dumping at the end of the day. I'm sleeping way better and creating more, if that's any sign]


Just thoughts, I'll come back with more complete ones later ...


+ I think I could be pushed to the edge of myself every day if I could be refreshed as deeply as I was tonight, after the end of a very edge-pushing day.


+ How is it that the riskiest/most roller-coaster-y feeling things are both life-giving and life-taking? It takes MORE of me to do those things, but I get so much more back in return. How does that work?


+ Why is it so hard for me to try new things? I don't understand this about myself. I'm praying for courage in my life right now.


+ I love people, so so much.


+ What does it mean to cultivate creative land? How am I doing this for myself? How am I helping others do the same?


+ How long does it take old dreams to die?


+ What in my life am I missing out on right now by not being willing to risk?


I'm open to advice on any of the above questions :] Just a little peek into my headspace right now! Yikes!

In other news, I started making a new scrapbook/journal [scrounal?] tonight. So excited for that. Life book is growing beautifully. Evening pages are helping me sort so many thoughts. My piano is in the master bath right now since the house is getting a little reno work done, and the acoustics are amazing, and I'm not apologizing for playing the piano in the bathroom.


Look out for a new vlog coming Wednesday! I have something super exciting to share!

what i need to be able to function normally

This time of year, I hold tightly onto anything and everything beautiful, magical and shiny. The heavy things I tend to carry cause me to cling to simple beauty as a life-raft. Glitter brings me hope. Quiet and time and space to think brings me to tears. A blanket fort built as a surprise by friends drew the first real smile I've held in a week. Laying on the floor, looking up at the Christmas lights that held up the blankets reminded me that there is always hope. God does love me.

{and my friends love me too - they really did build me a surprise blanket fort. best christmas gift ever}

 

longest week ever.

this is how i feel this week:

from this girl, via tumblr.

top of the roller coaster

You know that feeling that you get when you ride a roller-coaster? When you're at the top of the first big hill, and the roller-coaster stops for just a second before letting you plummet to the bottom?  You can get that feeling in life, sometimes, too. Not everything is that top-of-the-hill stomach drop, but a lot of things come really close.

I'm learning that I often get a hint of that feeling, and do everything to stop it. Including never going on roller-coasters! Sometimes that feeling is called:

*Risk

*Trying new things

*Love

*Relationship

*Being the new girl

*Speaking up

*Being brave in my life and art

*Making my own choices

And since each of these things include a roller-coaster stomach-drop [for me] then ... I avoid them! At all costs! But what if ... life is about feeling that feeling as often as it comes?  What if I'm supposed to be leaning in to that feeling instead of running away? How much of my life have I missed at twenty-four?

I guess I'll be learning to lean in in 2010. What about you?

shortcuts + the long way around

My GPS always gives me the shortest route between me and my destination.

No one ever gives you directions for the scenic route.

No one ever chooses to stand in the longest line in the grocery store.

Right?

But sometimes, standing in the longest line helps you find the right word. Sometimes, letting your brain ramble around a little, instead of constantly going directly from thought A to thought B gives you better conclusions, more solid theories and stronger images.

Sometimes I feel like taking the long way home in a world that only accepts shortcuts and fast lanes.

focus

{quote (c) erwin mcmanus, design (c) quiet world creative }

life + life = life

I decided something today: I want to be the person to ask business majors what their back-up plan for life is. I read a little Chelsea Talks Smack today {language caution, but she's brilliantly real and unfiltered, if that's your thing} and I love what she says here:

No one ever asks a med student, "So what are you going to do with your life?"

...because obviously, the answer is, be a Doctor.

Why should the answer be any different for an artist? If you create art, then you'll be an artist. If you want to be a teacher, you will teach. If you want to be a lawyer, you will go to school, you will be a lawyer. For some reason when it comes to a profession that has a shaky monetary value, at best, or lacks an outline- it makes people nervous. It makes people question your sanity, or scoff, or treat you like a child- like you're irresponsible and naive. You're the joke. Then comes the onslaught of questions...."So, what's your backup plan? What if it doesn't work out? How does your family feel about this? Well, don't you want health care?? Are you on drugs?" etc. etc.

Choosing to follow a passion that doesn't have a safety net, or a ladder to climb doesn't mean it's impossible - it simply means you'll find a way to make it work, or you'll give up. There is no grey area. And how you define "making it work" is up to you ... You will be laughed at, you will be jeered, you will be doubtful and you will then lick the wounds, and walk a bit taller.

My back up plan? I don't have a [expletive] back up plan, because when you things get hard, which they always do-in any profession, that "back up plan" BECOMES the plan. It's a cowardly way of giving up. Of surrendering under the pressure of other peoples ideals and expectations of your life.

Love her + her thoughts on this. I started thinking down this trail when I started working on a new website this week {an early birthday present from my dad - super awesome!} I told one of my best friends about this new project, and he replied, "So you're going to start selling your paintings?!" And he was REALLY excited about that idea {props to my awesome friends for being supportive.} I just thought ... do I wanna make my website about selling paintings? Do I wanna make my LIFE about selling paintings? And suddenly I was sucked into my usual vortex of insane over-thinking {we're talking ... laying awake at night after working a 12-hour day and then waking up at 4 am to think some more ...}

I feel like by defining my public image on my website, I'm defining myself - my values, my beliefs and my goals. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? Do I want my life to be about more than selling paintings and prints? In asking myself questions about my upcoming website, I've been asking myself questions about my upcoming life, too.

{about paintings and selling them: i love painting. LOVE it. but when i look at what percentage of my time is ever, or has ever been, spent painting, it doesn't follow that the next portion of my life will be devoted to selling them. i mean, i probably will, but that's not going to be my focus. but really, the largest percentage of my time has been spent playing the piano in a room by myself, so what the heck does that mean??}

It seems really intense {my friends can laugh and understand that that's just part of who I am}, but I've been led up to this moment by so many events over recent months, and by people who have crossed my path.

What am I waiting on? I've got a life to live {and not a ladder to climb}.

PHEWSH - that was my diatribe from my last few weeks of life. Thanks for reading to the end {if you did!} If you made it to this point, I'd like to offer a lovely image as a reward. You guys are the best!

best door - memphis tennessee

productivity

I think it's mildly ironic that a day off of work found me discovering more about work than any of my normal days AT work. [did you have to read that sentence as many different times as I had to re-write it? sorry! I'm ADD!]

Anyway, back to work talk. Or not really work talk, more like life talk. Through a series of clicks on a random blog, I found a link to the website inboxzero.com. Lots of reading, video watching and note-taking later, and ALL of my inboxes are currently at zero. Zero, people! I can't tell you the last time that my inboxes were at zero ... probably because they never really have been? Merlin Mann [in his video on inbox zero and email processing] proposes that your inbox should only hold emails that you haven't read yet. It's remarkably common sense, yet somehow, my e-mail inboxes somehow drain so much time and life away from my time and life!

Here's an idea from Mr. Mann: what is your life about? What are your priorities? Once you know this, answer the question: Do your internet viewing history/inbox/RSS feed/blog roll/bookmarks reflect what you are about? Or do you spend time looking at/reading/digesting things that you really don't care about?

Julia Cameron, in her book The Artist's Way [and oh man, could I blog about THAT book right now] suggests that for a creative, reading other people's words is like ingesting tiny, word-sized bites of junk food for the brain and spirit.

I guess I'm just feeling a little self-protective these days. I only want to engage my brain in things that reflect what I am about. Do I really need to bookmark 9,000 links to 9,000 websites I will never actually visit? Do I need to collect books that I don't really enjoy? I have big dreams for my life, and every word-sized bite of food I take in either adds to my dreams [nourishes] or takes away [depletes].

So thank you, inboxzero.com, for making me assess my life. I think I needed it.